Perhaps your partner yelled insults at you, or maybe they pushed you when they were drunk or high and later apologized. What if they promise it will never happen again?

Or maybe you found out that your partner used to harass their ex-girlfriend at work. However, they say it was because she was “crazy,” made “everything” up, and since you’re “different,” there’s nothing to worry about.

How can you be sure that the abusive behavior won’t happen again?

These are questions that many victims of abuse wrestle with, caught in the tangled web of love, hope, and fear. It’s not uncommon for abusers to offer apologies, promises, and excuses in the aftermath of their actions. They may beg for forgiveness, swear to change, and plead for one more chance.

The truth is abuse does not tend to be an isolated incident, and it’s uncommon for someone with a history of abuse towards you or previous relationships to never repeat it. Often, these are warning signs of escalating abuse, which may start with coercion, intimidation, and emotional abuse before ultimately leading to physical abuse.

If your partner has a history of abusive behavior, whether physical, verbal, emotional, or psychological, it’s important to approach their apologies with caution.

So, does this mean they can’t change?

Change is possible; however, it’s not a quick fix and will require a lot of work and professional support. Regardless, it’s not your responsibility to stay while the abuser works on their behaviour and takes responsibility for their actions. Remember, you did not cause this behaviour, and it’s important to prioritize yourself.

However, if you are unsure whether or not they have changed, here are some indicators to consider:

Keep in mind, abusers might alter their abusive patterns, and time alone isn’t sufficient to ascertain whether they have genuinely transformed.

My partner hasn’t physically abused me, but their behaviour towards me can be very toxic.

Often, abusers tend to escalate from toxic behaviours to abusive behaviours, which can also include coercive control, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse. Sometimes, early in the relationship, these may be hard to identify regardless of the severity of abuse.

Here are some red flags that indicate the abuse continues and is likely escalating:

Okay, I think I need help!

It’s crucial to prioritize your safety and well-being above all else. Remember, it’s not your fault, and you do not deserve to be mistreated.

Here are some pointers for leaving and healing from an abusive relationship:

Women, who make up the majority of the world’s poor, are largely more dependent on natural resources, placing them at the front lines of climate change, with less economic resources to combat its impact.

There is a causal interrelationship between gender inequalities and environmental degradation; where the loss of biodiversity, ecosystems and climate change tend to exacerbate existing gender inequalities.

Women and in particular Indigenous women are essential agents of change in their communities to increase the resilience of their environments, as well as to mitigate and confront environmental degradation and climate change. In relation to conservation and climate actions, women generally and Indigenous women specifically have different knowledge of the social and environmental setting and differentially support environmental initiatives associated with various sectors where they uniquely contribute to the protection and sustainable management of terrestrial and marine ecosystems, which promotes the sustainability and effectiveness of nature-based solutions to the biodiversity and climate crisis facing the world.

We are excited to take part in Fashion Revolution Week 2024 as part of our ongoing, urgent work at the intersection of thrift fashion and ending gender-based violence.

Countries in the global South bear the heaviest social, gendered, and environmental burden of the fashion industry.

Women workers are toiling in sweatshops, where they work 14 to 16 hours per day, seven days a week, and endure labour abuse and sexual harassment. The fast fashion industry is also the third most polluting industry on earth.

If you share our vision for systemic change in the global fashion industry and want to get involves, or to learn more about the exploitation that is entrenched within the mainstream fashion industry, please see last week’s Ending Violence Blog “Fashion Justice.” at bwss.org.

As Prevention of Violence Against Women Week draws to a close, it’s crucial to remember that our work doesn’t stop here. Violence against women is deeply ingrained in societies worldwide, perpetuated by systems of male dominance and privilege.

What are the Roots of Violence Against Women?

Violence against women is rooted in unequal power relationships between men and women in society. In a broader context, structural relationships of inequalities in politics, religion, media and discriminatory cultural norms perpetuate violence against girls and women.

Violence against women is a global problem and not limited to a specific group of women in society. However, the forms of violence might be shaped differently based on factors such as sexual orientation, religion, ethnicity, class, age, nationality. Significantly, Immigrant and Aboriginal women are further marginalized due to ongoing racism, which contributes to violence and is internalized by marginalized people impeding their social and personal power. Poverty, isolation from family and friends, language difficulties, and homelessness also contribute to the victimization of the most vulnerable women in society.

In a male-dominant society, male privilege becomes the norm and contributes to the belief and behaviour of men that they have the right to control women

How you can bring an End to Violence Against Women?

The Role of Individuals

Each and every individual has the power to eradicate violence against girls and women by supporting and empowering one woman. There is a need for immediate action of individuals in society. It’s time to end this outrage and create a society where our mothers, sisters, aunts, nieces, daughters and partners are valued, safe, and empowered.

The Role of Society

Violence against women is the most pervasive yet least recognized human rights abuse in the world. Women and girls are victimized in our society in ways that threaten their physical, emotional, psychological and sexual well-being.

As we conclude Prevention of Violence Against Women Week, we extend an invitation to join BWSS in our ongoing efforts to release resources and take action towards violence prevention. Follow us at @endingviolence and visit bwss.org for more information and ways to get involved. Together, let’s continue striving for a safer and more equitable future for women and girls.

If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women Support Services at Crisis Line:

Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868
Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867

Today, on Prevention of Violence Against Women Week, we’re shedding light on an insightful article by Chuck Derry titled “Abusive Men Describe The Benefits of Violence”.

For many years, Chuck Derry facilitated court mandated groups for men who batter.

One night he started the group by asking the men what they thought the benefits were of their violence. At first they all looked at each other (notably) and said, “There are no benefits.” This did not surprise him, as men who batter routinely deny their actions—as they deny their intents as well. So he said, “Well, there must be some benefits from the violence; otherwise why would you do it?” They looked at each other again and then one guy started admitting there were benefits, and then they all chimed.

Here is a list of the benefits of violence that abusive men cited:

• She’s scared and won’t go out and spend money
• Get your way: go out
• Respect
• She won’t argue
• Feeling superior: she’s accountable to me in terms of being somewhere on time: I decide
• Keeps relationship going—she’s too scared to leave
• Get the money
• Get sex
• Total control in decision making
• Use money for drugs
• Don’t have to change for her
• Power
• Decide where to go (as a couple)
• Who to see
• What to wear
• Control the children
• If she’s late, she won’t be again
• Intimidation
• She’s scared & can’t confront me
• Can convince her she’s screwin’ up
• She feels less worthy so defers to my needs and wants
• She will look up to me and accept my decisions without an argument
• Decide her social life—what she wears so you can keep your image by how she acts
• She’s to blame for the battering
• She’s an object
• (I get) a robot babysitter, maid, sex, food
• Ego booster
• She tells me I’m great
• Bragging rights
• If she works—get her money
• Get her to quit job so she can take care of house
• Isolate her so friends can’t confront me
• Decide how money is spent
• “I’m breadwinner”
• Buy the toys I want
• Take time for myself
• She has to depend on me if I break her stuff
• Get to know everything
• She’s a nurse-maid
• She comforts me
• Supper on the table
• Invite friends over w/o her knowin’ = more work for her
• No compromise = more freedom
• Don’t have to listen to her complaints for not letting her know stuff
• She works for me
• I don’t have to help out
• I don’t have to hang out with her or kids
• Don’t have to get up, take out garbage, watch kids, do dishes, get up at night with kids, do laundry, change diapers, clean house, bring kids to appointments or activities, mop floors, clean refrigerator, etc.
• Answer to nobody
• Do what you want, when you want to
• Get to ignore/deny your history of violence and other irresponsible behavior
• Get to write history
• Get to determine future
• Determine what values kids have—who they play with, what school they go to or getting to ignore the process—dictating what they “need” food, clothes, recreation, etc.
• Dictate reality, etc.
• Kids on my side against her
• Kids do what I say
• Mold kids/her so that they will help do what I should do
• Keeps kids quiet about abuse
• Choose battles & what it will cost her
• Proves your superiority
• Win all the arguments
• Don’t have to listen to her wishes, complaints, anger, fears, etc.
• Make the rules then break them when you want
• So she won’t get help against you for past beatings because she has no friends to support her and she is confused by my lies
• Convince her she’s nuts
• Convince her she’s unattractive
• Convince her she’s to blame
• Convince her she’s the problem
• I can dump on her
• Can use kids to “spy” on mom
• Kids won’t tell mom what I did
• Kids won’t disagree with me
• Don’t have to talk to her
• I’m king of the castle
• Can make yourself scarce
• Have someone to unload on
• Have someone to bitch at
• She won’t call police
• Tell kids don’t have to listen to mom
• Get her to drop charges
• Get her to support me to her family, my family, cops, judge, child welfare, prosecutors, etc.
• Get her to admit it’s her fault

He then asked “Why would they give up using violence?”

The men then responded with things like:
“get arrested,”
“divorce,”
“get protection orders taken out against you,”
“adult kids don’t invite you to their weddings,”
“have to go to groups like this.”

Chuck Derry writes:

“This was the first time I fully comprehended the necessity of a consistent coordinated community response through the criminal, civil, and family court systems which can mete out safe and effective interventions that hold men who batter accountable while preserving the safety of the women, girls, and boys they abuse.”

“It was on that day that I realized if I had to choose between providing batterer groups for men who batter or a consistently effective criminal and civil/family court response to domestic violence, I would choose the criminal and civil/family court response every time. There are just too many benefits gained from this behavior.”

To read the full article, please visit https://voicemalemagazine.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/.

This Prevention of Violence Against Women Week, we want to invite you to continue to engage with BWSS as we continue to release resources and action steps on violence prevention. Follow us at @endingviolence and visit bwss.org for more information and ways to get involved. 

If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women Support Services at Crisis Line:

Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868
Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867

The road to safety can look differently and for many survivors of domestic, intimate partner and/or sexualized violence, escaping by leaving the relationship unfortunately doesn’t necessarily mean they are automatically safe from future violence an ex-partner who has been abusive.

When abusive partners lose power in their relationship due to separation, they may escalate their abusive tactics to regain control. Post-separation abuse can manifest in various forms of coercive control, including harassment, physical abuse, financial abuse, intimidation, and lethal violence.

Abusive partners may also use different behaviours such as persuading to come back, threatening the access to your children, restricting your access to funds or threatening physical harm on themselves or your loved ones.

The abusive partner is threatened by the separation and may experience it as a declaration by his partner that she is capable of surviving without him. Not only that but that she is the best judge of what is good for her, and especially that her needs shouldn’t always take the back seat to his.

The abusive partner is likely very afraid that his partner may discover how good it feels to live without put downs and other abuse. She may start to think of her own thoughts without him and start believing in herself as an independent and strong. Importantly, she might discover how much better she is without him.

Any survivor who’s made a step towards safety may feel guilty enough return to their abusive partner to avoid the possible negative outcomes.

In this blog, we will explore why a survivor might return, common tactics of post-separation abuse and provide strategies for overcoming them.

Why a Survivor Might Return to Abusive Partner

It’s often challenging for many people to understand why a survivor choose to stay in the relationship or would even consider returning to their abusive partner after taking action to escape and leave. While this may not seem logical to others, survivors navigate complex situations that often involve considerations for their safety as well as the safety of others.

There are several additional barriers that can contribute to survivors returning to or staying in an abusive relationship, including:

Navigating these barriers requires careful consideration and often involves difficult decisions about safety, security, and personal well-being. So, the next time you’re tempted to say, “Why doesn’t she just leave already?” consider the points we just discussed.

Just as survivors may have reasons for returning to their abusive partners, the partners who are abusive will exploit the same vulnerable areas that survivors experience as tactics for post-separation abuse.

Post-Separation Abuse Tactics: What you can do.

Here are some common tactics of post-separation abuse and what you can do:

Manipulative behaviour and emotional abuse

Abusive partners may use guilt, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to maintain control over their victims. This also can include threats to harm themselves, harm you or your loved ones in order to make you stay or return.

He may try to chip away at her resolve as much as he can until she cracks and sees him once the face to face. He pours on the sweetness and charm reminiscent of the history magic persona in the early days of the relationship.

Understandably, you may have various reasons to maintain communication with your abusive ex-partner, such as children, shared assets, or pets. However, if you encounter manipulative behavior and emotional abuse from your abusive ex-partner, it’s important to consider minimizing or, when possible, cutting off contact entirely.

Seek support from mental health professionals to help you navigate your emotions during this challenging time.

Restricting or obstructing your access to finances

Many survivors face financial abuse, which is often the thing that hinders their ability to escape in the first place, but once the survivor escapes abusive partners still use this tactic of withholding financial resources, sabotaging the survivor’s employment opportunities, or using economic abuse to make the survivor financially dependent in hopes to make them come back or forcing them to stay.

Ideally, it would be better if you could separate your finances from joint accounts and ensure that any deposits (paychecks, benefits, etc.) are directed to a personal account accessible only by you.

It’s important to cancel any joint credit cards and review your credit report regularly to ensure no unauthorized charges are made. Additionally, keep track of all loans and credit cards associated with you.

Co-parenting Sabotage

Abusive partners may use child custody arrangements to maintain control, such as violating visitation rights or manipulating the survivor through the children. Additionally, they may attempt to alienate your children from you, damaging your relationship with them.

If your abusive ex is trying to sabotage your relationship with your children or violating visitation rights, it’s crucial to document this behavior. Avoid engaging in negative talk about your abusive ex to your children, as this could be used against you in the future and cause further distress in their lives. Depending on your children’s ages, it may be helpful to be honest with them and explain the situation.

It’s ideal to seek professional help to address any of your children’s needs during this difficult time.

Stalking and Harassment

The abusive partner may engage in stalking, monitoring, or harassment through various means, including phone calls, texts, social media, or showing up uninvited, all aimed at instilling fear and ultimately manipulating you.

In such circumstances, you can consider obtaining a restraining order. This step may dissuade the abusive ex from continuing this behavior, as breaching the order could result in criminal charges.

Tips to consider when dealing with post-separation abuse:

If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women Support Services at Crisis Line:

Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868
Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867