How to Support a Loved One Experiencing Intimate Partner Violence

When your loved one reaches out to you in distress, sharing the hurtful things their partner has said or done, it can be heartbreaking to see them stay in the relationship. As their abusive partner’s actions intensifies, you notice your loved one becoming more distant and increasingly unhappy. Despite your attempts to express your concerns, you feel like you can’t make a difference or impact, leaving you feeling frustrated and powerless.

Witnessing someone you love experience intimate partner violence is incredibly challenging. Leaving may seem like the obvious answer, but it’s not that simple. Many victims face a web of emotional, psychological, and financial barriers that make it challenging to exit the relationship. The abusive partner employs coercive and manipulative tactics, such as guilt, shame, and threats, to maintain control. This undermines the victim’s identity and self-worth, making it challenging for them to trust their own judgment and make decisions. Victims of violence frequently struggle to recognize the abuse and may internalize blame, feeling responsible for their circumstances.

Acknowledging the intricacies of these situations is vital for providing effective support. Here, we present 7 Things to Avoid, 7 Helpful Actions, and 7 Reminders when supporting a loved one experiencing intimate partner violence.

7 Things to Avoid When Supporting a Loved One Experiencing IPV

1. Refrain from shaming or judging:
Try not to express any judgment about their decisions. Your loved one is already facing significant emotional turmoil, and feelings of shame won’t help them feel empowered to leave.

2. Steer clear of empathizing with the abusive partner:
While it’s natural to want to understand all sides, expressing sympathy for the abusive partner can unintentionally validate their harmful behaviour and diminish the seriousness of the abuse.

3. Keep the focus on your loved one:
Remember to center your support on their needs. Avoid making it about your feelings or comparing their situation to your own experiences, as this may detract from their journey.

4. Don’t push for details about the abuse:
While it’s important to be supportive, pressing your loved one for information about the abuse can be overwhelming and may make them feel vulnerable. Allow them to share at their own pace.

5. Avoid offering simplistic solutions:
It’s common to want to help, but suggesting that they just “leave” or “move on” can minimize the complexity of their situation. Instead, focus on being a source of emotional support and understanding.

6. Avoid imposing your timeline:
It’s important to remember that your loved one will need to leave the relationship at their own pace. Pressuring them to act quickly may create additional stress.

7. Do not engage with the abusive partner:
It’s best to avoid getting involved in the dynamics of the relationship or communicating directly with the abusive partner. This can often escalate the situation and further isolate your loved one from their support network.

7 Helpful Actions When Supporting a Loved One Experiencing IPV

1. Listen and stay connected:
Maintain an open line of communication with your loved one. The more they feel isolated, the harder it may be for them to seek help. Let them know you are there for them, regardless of your feelings or concerns about their relationship.

2. Share your concerns gently:
When discussing your worries about their relationship, use “I” statements to express your feelings, such as “I’ve noticed you seem different lately” or “I’m concerned about how you’re being treated.” Approach the conversation with kindness to encourage openness, but if their safety is at risk, don’t hesitate to be direct.

3. Focus on specific behaviours:
Instead of criticizing their partner, highlight specific unhealthy behaviours that concern you. For instance, you could say, “I’m uncomfortable with how often your partner puts you down” or “It’s concerning that your partner dictates who you spend time with.”

4. Offer practical help:
Be ready to provide assistance when your loved one is contemplating leaving. Whether it’s offering a place to stay, helping them move, or providing childcare so they can attend counselling, your support can be invaluable during this difficult time.

5. Get educated and encourage professional resources:
Take the time to educate yourself about intimate partner violence and its complexities. Sharing this knowledge can empower your loved one and help them understand their situation better. Encourage them to connect with professional resources, such as Battered Women’s Support Services, to support their healing journey and help them reclaim their power.

6. Respect their choices:
Understand that your loved one may not be ready to make changes immediately. It’s essential to respect their decisions and let them take the lead in their journey, while remaining a steady source of support.

7. Reaffirm their worth:
Remind your loved one that the abuse is not their fault and that they deserve a loving and supportive relationship. Help them recognize their value by planting positive thoughts about their self-worth.

7 Reminders When Supporting a Loved One Experiencing IPV

1. Abuse is complex: Understand that abusive relationships are layered with manipulation, making it incredibly difficult for someone to leave.

2. Leaving isn’t simple: There are many reasons someone stays in an abusive relationship, ranging from fear to emotional ties—respect their journey.

3. Compassion over judgment: Withhold judgment and approach your loved one with empathy, as their situation may be more complicated than it seems.

4. Your support matters: Being a safe, non-judgmental person is invaluable and can make a significant difference, even if it doesn’t feel like enough.

5. Their healing is their own: While you can offer guidance and support, the steps toward healing must come from them at their own pace.

6. You are not responsible for their choices: The outcome of your loved one’s relationship is not in your control, and their decisions are theirs to make.

7. Patience is key: Change may take time, so offer consistent support and let them know they can turn to you when they’re ready.