Should I Break Up?: A Guide to Safety, Reflection, and Empowerment
When facing the difficult decision of whether to end a relationship—especially one marked by unhealthy or abusive dynamics—it’s important to acknowledge your feelings, fears, and hopes.
You know your situation best, including how you feel about your partner. It’s completely valid to have mixed emotions, even love, toward someone who has hurt you.
But one thing is clear: your safety and well-being are non-negotiable priorities. Whatever choice you make, you are not alone. We’re here to offer support without judgment and help you create a safety plan if needed.
Staying Together
It’s okay if you decide to stay in your relationship right now. The key is being honest with yourself about your reasons for staying and realistic about the potential for change.
- While some unhealthy relationships can improve with time, effort, and professional help, abuse cannot be “fixed” by love or patience alone.
- You can only control your own actions, not your partner’s.
If you feel you need to stay for now, prioritize your safety:
- Plan your transportation home in advance when attending events with your partner.
- Avoid being alone with your partner in private spaces; instead, choose public places or group activities.
- Let someone you trust know where you are and when you expect to return if you’re meeting your partner.
Your safety matters. You deserve to feel secure and respected in every interaction.
Preparing for a Breakup
Leaving a relationship, even an unhealthy or abusive one, is rarely simple or easy. It’s okay to feel scared, uncertain, or even heartbroken. These feelings don’t make your choice wrong—they make you human.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Fear of loneliness is normal. Your partner may have been a significant part of your daily life. Find ways to fill your time with activities, hobbies, or reconnecting with friends.
- You might miss them. Even if the relationship was harmful, it’s natural to miss the good moments. Write down your reasons for leaving and revisit them when doubt creeps in.
- Reclaiming control takes time. If your partner has been controlling, adjusting to independence might feel overwhelming. Be kind to yourself and seek support from trusted friends or family.
- Your fear is valid. If you feel unsafe, trust your instincts. Use tools like an interactive safety plan to think through risky situations.
- Identify emergency contacts and local support resources, including those outside of law enforcement if that feels safer for you.
Breaking Up Safely
Ending an unhealthy or abusive relationship isn’t the same as ending a healthy one. Your safety must come first.
- Do not break up in person if it feels unsafe. It’s okay to end things via phone, text, or email if face-to-face contact feels dangerous.
- Choose a public place if you do meet in person. Have a trusted friend or family member nearby and keep your phone charged and accessible.
- Be clear and firm. You don’t owe your ex repeated explanations. Stick to your decision and avoid being drawn into debates.
- Inform trusted friends or family about your breakup plans. If you suspect your ex might show up at your home or workplace, let someone know.
- Stay inside and don’t answer the door if your ex comes to your house unexpectedly. Keep your phone close for emergencies.
- Trust your instincts. If something feels wrong or unsafe, act on those feelings without hesitation.
- Ask for help. Reach out to advocates, counselors, or trusted individuals who can guide and support you.
Your safety is not an overreaction. It’s essential.
After the Breakup: Prioritizing Your Safety and Healing
Ending an abusive relationship doesn’t always mean the end of risk. Take proactive steps to protect yourself:
- Stay strong. If old memories resurface, remind yourself why you made this choice.
- Lean on your support network. Share your concerns with trusted friends, family, or counsellors.
- Make adjustments at school or work. Talk to teachers, supervisors, or counsellors about any safety concerns.
- Avoid isolation. Stay in well-populated areas and avoid walking alone or wearing headphones in public.
- Update your privacy settings on social media. Block or restrict your ex if necessary, and ask friends to avoid sharing your whereabouts.
- Document threats or harassment. Save messages, emails, or voicemails in case they’re needed for legal action.
- Memorize emergency contacts. Have important numbers ready in case you lose access to your phone.
Reclaim Your Joy
Healing takes time, but every step you take is a step toward a healthier, happier future.
- Rediscover hobbies you love.
- Reconnect with old friends.
- Explore creative outlets like art, writing, or music.
- Take care of your physical and emotional health.
Every ending creates space for something new—something better. You deserve safety, love, and respect, whether in a relationship or on your own.
You are not alone, and your story isn’t over. We’re here, whenever you need us.
As an organization dedicated to ending violence in all its forms, BWSS stands in solidarity with victims and survivors. For resources on safety, accessing support, and taking action against gender-based violence, visit our website.
You are not alone.
If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women’s Support Services Crisis Line:
Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868
Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867
Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org