There are many myths attached to domestic and intimate partner violence. 

An abusive partner’s emotional problems do not cause their abusiveness. Importantly, he cannot be changed by figuring out what is bothering him, helping him feel better, or improving the relationship dynamics.

It’s believed that it’s feelings that drive abusive or controlling behaviour; when actually it’s beliefs, values and habits are the driving forces.

To be plain, the reasons that an abusive man gives for his behaviour are simply excuses. 

There is no way to overcome a problem with abusiveness by focusing on aspects such as self-esteem, conflict resolution, anger management or impulse control. 

Abusiveness is resolved by dealing with abusiveness.

Abusive partners thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself. 

Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusive partners cannot change unless they deal with their core disrespect of their partners. 

Abusive partners are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. However, even their less-conscious behaviours are driven by their core attitudes.

Self-care is a better way to deal with an abusive partner rather than trying to get them to change.

16 Myths about Abusive Partners

  1. He’s mentally ill
  2. He misuses alcohol and or other substances
  3. He was abused as a child
  4. He has poor communication skills
  5. He just loses it; he can’t help himself
  6. He has trust and or intimacy issues and afraid of abandonment
  7. He has anger issues
  8. His previous partner hurt him, he’s still wounded by her
  9. He doesn’t know how to express his feelings
  10. He’s an alpha male, a macho, so he’s aggressive by nature
  11. You always hurt the one you love the most
  12. He has a horrible boss who is trying to keep him down
  13. He doesn’t know the rules in Canada
  14. He’s being emasculated in the world or he’s a victim racism, and/or poverty, and/or his immigration status or other discrimination
  15. Women are as abusive as any abusive man
  16. He has low self esteem

For more information  on our website or ☎️ our crisis & intake line 1-855-687-1868

Thank you 💕 to all the victims and survivors who have shared their experiences and wisdom ☀️ with us at BWSS over the past 45 years. 

Props to Lundy Bancroft whose work inspired this post.