A common assumption is that if someone is in an abusive relationship, they have the power to end the abuse simply by leaving. However, the reality is that leaving does not mean the abuse ends. In fact, after leaving is often the most dangerous time.
Violence in an intimate relationship is a systematic pattern of domination, where an abusive partner uses tactics to maintain power and control. When a survivor leaves, the abusive partner may escalate violence in an attempt to regain control. There are also many barriers that can make leaving difficult, and only the survivor knows when it is safest to do so.
The next time a survivor steps forward to disclose abuse, consider these 19 reasons why leaving is not always an immediate or safe option.
Reason #1 - Fear
Fear of retaliation; of being killed; of the abusive partner hurting loved ones; of being stalked; of not being believed; of unsupervised visits with the abusive partner putting children at risk. The reality that the most dangerous time for a survivor/victim is when she leaves the abusive partner. 77 percent of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation and there is a 75 percent increase of violence upon separation for at least two years.
Reason #2 - Gaslighting
Gaslighting occurs when an abusive partner minimizes what’s happening by convincing a survivor that their memories of events are incorrect. This can lead to self-doubt, making it harder to trust personal intuition about the level of danger, even when friends and family may clearly see the risks. An abusive partner may also shift blame, making the survivor feel responsible for the abuse—as if changing their behaviour could make it stop.
Reason #3 - Isolation
The abusive partner will isolate the survivor from their friends, family, community support, and resources, as abusive partners seek to cut off survivors from support networks as a control mechanism.
Reason #4 - Children
Fear for the safety of children, especially if the abusive partner has threatened harm if the survivor leaves. Custody concerns, including the risk of the abusive partner gaining custody, something that happens in more than half of cases. The risk of child abuse as a consequence of attempting to leave.
Reason #5 - Threats of suicide
The abusive partner may make threats to hurt their partner/children, other loved ones, and/or pets; threats to call Canada Border Services Agency or Immigration Canada; threats to take the children; threats to “out” their partner to family or coworkers, etc.
Reason #6 - Economic Necessity
The abusive partner may control the finances or be the sole source of finances for the family; the abusive partner may have destroyed the survivor’s credit or forced joint accounts so starting over financially is not feasible.
Reason #7 - Lack of resources/Information
Such as lack of transportation to services, lack of access to the internet to find services or lack of resources in the survivor’s language.
Reason #8 - Nowhere to go/Housing Crisis
Shelters are full, wait lists are long, and rent prices are too high, so even when survivors feel ready to leave they might not have anywhere to go.
Reason #9 - Hope
The abusive partner promises they will change, using manipulative tactics to try to keep the survivor in the relationship.
Reason #10 - A connection to the partner’s well-being
Far that the abusive partner will be arrested, imprisoned, deported etc. which may have consequences for the survivor through retaliation, finances, and children.
Reason #11 - Racism
In the criminal justice system that results in a fear of turning to resources such as the police or courts.
Reason #12 - Culture/religion/family pressures
Culture/religion/family pressures to stay together.
Reason #13 - Failure of the criminal legal system
With a very low prosecution rate, survivors are unlikely to pursue legal action when it means being revictimized in court without meaningful results. Abusive partners often use threats to pressure survivors into recanting, and even when charges are laid, consequences are often minimal. In some cases, survivors have even been wrongfully arrested, accused of perpetrating the violence they were trying to escape.
Reason #14 - Shame
The belief that the abuse is their fault, largely because of societal victim blaming. Causing many survivors feel like the abuse is somehow their fault.
Reason #15 - Immigration status
Abusive partners may threaten the survivor with deportation if she discloses abuse, which can also result in fear of separation from children, law enforcement etc.
Reason #16 - Distrust of police
If survivors have called the police in the past and had a negative experience, they are less likely to seek help again. The risks are even greater if the abusive partner is a police officer, as disclosing abuse can become even more dangerous. Abusive officers often manipulate the system, telling survivors that no one will believe them or that they can convince others the survivor is the perpetrator. Additionally, police officers retain access to firearms even after a domestic violence charge, increasing the risk of lethal violence.
Reason #17 - Victims who are from other marginalized genders face stigmas
The most common survivor of domestic violence is someone who identifies as female, but people of all gender identities can experience abuse. Escaping an abusive partner can present additional barriers, particularly for non-binary survivors, who often feel excluded from the conversation about domestic violence altogether.
Reason #18 - Elderly or having a disability
The abusive partner may be the survivor’s caretaker or vice versa, the survivor might be the abusive partner’s caretaker. The survivor might stay out of obligation or may feel like they can’t live independently without the abusive partner’s help.
Reason #19 - Pets
Many survivors are unable to escape an abusive partner due to concerns about what will happen to their pets. Domestic violence does not discriminate, it affects even beloved animals. Abusive partners often use pets as a tool for power and control, making it crucial to include them in safety planning. If possible, avoid leaving pets alone with the abusive partner. When preparing to leave, consider reaching out to friends, family, or a veterinarian for temporary care. Use our online interactive tool to create a personalized safety plan with prompts to help protect both you and your pets while in an abusive relationship, planning to leave, or after leaving.
As an organization dedicated to ending violence in all its forms, BWSS stands in solidarity with victims and survivors. For resources on safety, accessing support, and taking action against gender-based violence, visit our website.
You are not alone.
If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women’s Support Services Crisis Line:
Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868 Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867 Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org
