10 Tips for Anyone Concerned About a Friend or Family Member Who Is in an Abusive Relationship
TIP ONE
Please be patient while I decide if I can trust you.
Trust takes time, especially for someone who has experienced harm. Your patience shows that you’re safe and willing to move at their pace.
TIP TWO
Let me tell my story, the whole story in my own way.
Allow them to share their experience in a way that feels right to them. Listen without interrupting or trying to fill in the blanks.
TIP THREE
Please accept that whatever I have done, whatever I may do is the best I have to offer and seemed right at the time.
Every choice they’ve made has helped them survive in some way. Offering understanding instead of judgment helps them feel supported.
TIP FOUR
I am not “a person.” I am this person, unique and special.
Recognize their individuality. Seeing them for who they are, beyond any label, affirms their worth.
TIP FIVE
Don’t judge me as right or wrong, bad or good. I am what I am and that’s all I’ve got.
Refrain from judging their choices or circumstances. Accepting them as they are helps them feel seen and valued.
TIP SIX
Don’t assume that your knowledge about me is more accurate than mine. You only know what I have told you. That’s only part of me.
Understand that what they’ve shared is just one piece of their story. There’s more to their experience than what you may know.
TIP SEVEN
Please hear my feelings, not just my words. Accept all of them. If you can’t, how can I?
Their emotions may be intense or conflicting, but they’re valid. Accepting their feelings helps them work toward self-acceptance.
TIP EIGHT
Don’t ever think that you know what I should do. You don’t. I may be confused, but I am still the expert about me.
Even if they’re unsure of the next steps, they know their situation better than anyone else. Trust their ability to make decisions for themselves.
TIP NINE
Don’t place me in a position of living up to your expectations. I have enough trouble with mine.
Adding external pressure makes things harder. Let them focus on their own growth without feeling they must meet someone else’s standards.
TIP TEN
Don’t save me or try to “fix” my situation. I can do it myself. I knew enough to ask for help, didn’t I?
Offer encouragement and support instead of trying to take over. Trust their strength—they’ve already shown courage by reaching out for help.
You are not alone.
If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women’s Support Services Crisis Line:
Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868 Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867 Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org
