As we approach Valentine’s Day, a time often associated with love and connection, we recognize that, for many women impacted by violence, Valentine’s Day can be a painful reminder of grief and disconnection. But together, we can transform this day into one of hope and connection.

We invite you to join us in celebrating resilience, healing, and solidarity with survivors. Here’s how you can make an impact this Valentine’s Day:

“With the work BWSS does, I’m proud to be part of the Circle of Strength. Women are facing violence every day, and knowing that my monthly gifts are providing ongoing support to women makes me feel that I’m making a difference and that I’m part of a community that cares.”

– MG, Monthly Donor since 2022

Parental alienation refers to a situation where one parent manipulates a child to reject, fear, or mistrust the other parent without legitimate justification. 

Parental alienation accusations disproportionately target mothers, reflecting deeply ingrained societal biases about women, motherhood, and caregiving roles. In the decades since women began making strides to secure safety for themselves and their children from intimate partner violence, an insidious counter-narrative has emerged in family courtrooms worldwide: parental alienation. This term, originally coined by Richard Gardner in the 1980s, has evolved into a tool frequently wielded by abusers—predominantly men—to undermine the credibility of survivors and strip them of custody rights. Despite a lack of scientific consensus and repeated rejections of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) from major diagnostic manuals like the DSM and ICD, accusations of parental alienation remain a powerful weapon in custody battles. Understanding the gendered nature of these accusations is essential to addressing their misuse and creating a family court system that prioritizes the safety and well-being of survivors and children. 

The Gendered Nature and Misuse of Parental Alienation Accusations

Parental alienation claims have become a recurring issue in custody cases involving intimate partner violence (IPV). While lawyers, judges, and mental health professionals agree that children benefit from maintaining positive relationships with both parents, these claims are frequently misused to undermine legitimate concerns about safety and violence. Courts do not tolerate intentional attempts by one parent to undermine the child’s relationship with the other parent, but protective actions taken by survivors of IPV are often misinterpreted as alienation. 

The “parental alienation problem” is generally framed in terms of reciprocal allegations: in a contested custody dispute where a child refuses to see their father, the mother often cites IPV, and the father counters by accusing her of parental alienation. This framing frequently causes courts to dismiss or minimize the mother’s safety concerns. As a result, courts might order equal parenting time or, in extreme cases, grant full custody to the violent father.  

Canadian research highlights how mothers are disproportionately at risk of being perceived as making “false accusations” of violence, even when these allegations are credible but lack sufficient evidence for a criminal conviction or findings by child protection services. This perception is deeply rooted in societal biases and stereotypes about motherhood, where women are expected to exhibit unconditional nurturing, sacrifice, and composure. When mothers raise concerns about abuse, these expectations often clash with the reality of their protective actions, leading courts, and legal professionals to dismiss their allegations as manipulative or vindictive. Canadian research indicates that intentionally false allegations of abuse and neglect are relatively uncommon, accounting for about 4% of all child maltreatment investigations. Notably, in cases involving custody or access disputes, non-custodial parents, predominantly fathers, were responsible for 43% of these intentionally false allegations, while custodial parents, mostly mothers, accounted for 14%. This data challenges the perception that mothers frequently make false accusations of violence. 

In reality, mothers are more likely to report concerns in good faith, even if those concerns are later unsubstantiated due to insufficient evidence. This underscores the importance of thorough and unbiased investigations in child protection cases, particularly within the emotionally charged context of custody disputes. It’s crucial to recognize that the majority of unsubstantiated reports are made with genuine concern for the child’s well-being. Occasionally, however, unsubstantiated reports may be intentionally false, often influenced by the dynamics of custody disputes. 

Understanding these nuances is essential for developing effective screening procedures and assessment strategies to detect fabricated reports, ensuring that child protection services can accurately identify and address genuine cases of abuse and neglect. 

The Effects on Mothers and Children in Custody Cases

A punitive approach often follows a finding of alienation, resulting in children being completely cut off from their mothers for extended periods. Alarmingly, the issue extends beyond explicit alienation findings. In many cases, courts have accused mothers of “passive alienation” for actions as innocuous as requesting reduced contact, showing fear of the father, or maintaining a close emotional bond with their children. These accusations arise even in situations where the child maintains a positive relationship with their father, perverting the already broad definitions of parental alienation. These outcomes highlight how societal expectations of women’s roles as caregivers intersect with systemic biases in the legal system, often to the detriment of survivors and their children.

Moreover, there are two distinct problems to address. The primary issue is violent and controlling fathers accusing mothers of parental alienation. The secondary problem is women using accusations of parental alienation against fathers to highlight the intentional sabotaging of the mother-child bond within the context of domestic violence and coercive control. Some stakeholders resist restricting parental alienation accusations because of concerns about this second scenario. However, the most effective approach is to minimize reliance on parental alienation accusations altogether while improving the legal response to domestic violence. Domestic violence and coercive control are well-documented phenomena, whereas the parental alienation framework remains empirically weak and logically flawed. Addressing these biases requires not only systemic legal reform but also cultural shifts in how motherhood and caregiving are perceived within the context of family law.

The Persistent Misuse of Parental Alienation

The term parental alienation stems from Gardner’s controversial Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), which described one parent systematically turning a child against the other through manipulation. Despite its widespread rejection by mental health authorities and exclusion from the DSM-5, the term has persisted in family court discourse. 

Modern research acknowledges that children’s resistance to contact with a parent is rarely due to manipulation by the other parent alone. Instead, a multitude of factors—such as the child’s lived experiences, parenting styles, unresolved trauma, and exposure to violence—often play significant roles in these situations. Courts, however, continue to prioritize the simplistic alienation narrative over nuanced, evidence-based analyses. 

Over the past 25 years, parental alienation accusations have increasingly been used by abusive partners as a counter-allegation against survivors raising concerns about IPV. These claims serve as a smokescreen, diverting attention from credible evidence of violence and coercive control. The result is a chilling effect where survivors are discouraged from speaking out or seeking legal protection for fear of losing custody. 

Ironically, Gardner himself cautioned against using parental alienation claims in cases involving abuse. Yet, courts often overlook this caution, allowing alienation claims to overshadow serious concerns about the well-being and safety of children and survivors. 

Addressing the Root Causes & Moving Forward

The preventive measures targeting mothers under the guise of avoiding parental alienation reflect deeper systemic biases against women within the family court system. These measures are often rooted in patriarchal assumptions about motherhood, where women are expected to be self-sacrificing, endlessly accommodating, and non-confrontational. Addressing these biases requires not only legal reforms but also a cultural shift within the judiciary and family law systems.

A Two-Pronged Solution: Direct and Indirect Approaches

The misuse of parental alienation must stop. Survivors and their children deserve a system that prioritizes safety, accountability, and evidence-based practices—not one that punishes them for speaking out. Children need to be believed and provided with specialized, trauma-informed child counsellors.

Resources

• Luke’s Place (Canada) 
• Centre for Research & Education on Violence Against Women and Children (CREVAWC)
• National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges (NCJFCJ) 
• Dr. Joan Meier’s Research (George Washington University Law School) Dr. Meier has conducted extensive studies on parental alienation and its disproportionate impact on mothers in custody cases.
• “When Shared Parenting and the Safety of Women and Children Collide” by Luke’s Place A report analyzing the risks of shared parenting orders in cases involving family violence.
• Reports by Women’s Aid (UK) 
• Books and Academic Publications:”Coercive Control in Children’s and Mothers’ Lives” by Dr. Evan Stark and “Parental Alienation and Child Custody Disputes: An Evidence-Based Approach” by Dr. Joan Meier

You are not alone.

If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women’s Support Services Crisis Line:

Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868 Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867 Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org

Share your invaluable input to inform their investigation and help shape actionable recommendations aimed at removing barriers and improving access to justice for survivors of sexual violence.

Office of the Federal Ombudsperson for Victims of Crime Official Announcement

In March 2024, the Office of the Federal Ombudsperson for Victims of Crime (OFOVC) launched a systemic investigation on how survivors of sexual violence are treated in the Canadian criminal justice system.

We are pleased to announce the following:

Your input is invaluable in informing our investigation and shaping actionable recommendations to remove barriers and improve access to justice for survivors of sexual violence.

We encourage you to share not only your perspectives, but also this opportunity with your network. Your feedback will directly contribute to meaningful changes that better support survivors. Visit our website to learn more about our investigation.

Thank you!

Office of the Federal Ombudsperson for Victims of Crime

Your Voice Matters

Survivors of sexual violence deserve to be heard, and your voice is essential in shaping a system that works for justice, not against it. The Office of the Federal Ombudsperson for Victims of Crime (OFOVC) is conducting a critical investigation into how survivors are treated in Canada’s criminal justice system.

We encourage you to participate by completing the stakeholder survey, sharing your experience through the extended survivor survey, or submitting written feedback by February 16, 2025. Each contribution helps to dismantle barriers and create actionable recommendations that centre survivors’ rights and dignity. Share your voice and this opportunity widely—because together, we can take action on the systemic change survivors need.

As an organization dedicated to ending violence in all its forms, BWSS stands in solidarity with victims and survivors. For resources on safety, accessing support, and taking action against gender-based violence, visit our website.

You are not alone.

If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women’s Support Services Crisis Line:

Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868
Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867
Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org

Do we stand by as the world is consumed by destructive forces, or do we choose the courage and responsibility needed to build a different future?

A Crossroads for Humanity

We are at a crossroads, faced with two starkly contrasting futures—one that fills us with dread, and one that inspires pride and hope. The planet will endure, transformed perhaps, but it will endure. The true question is whether humanity will thrive to witness and shape that transformation.

Climate change is not just the “mother of all issues”; it is a crisis that encompasses and magnifies all others, including the pervasive violence and systemic inequities in our societies. These destructive forces—overexploitation of natural resources, marginalization, and violence—are interconnected, and they disproportionately harm women, girls, and vulnerable communities.

A Vision for Change

At Battered Women’s Support Services (BWSS) and My Sister’s Closet (MSC), we believe the path to a brighter future begins with bold, collective action. By addressing the root causes of climate change, we have the power to dismantle these intertwined crises. Together, we can choose a future that not only stabilizes but also improves the world we inhabit:

This path demands a fundamental shift in how we think and act—a collective maturation of humanity. Building a sustainable future is not just an option; it is essential to ensure a thriving world for all, especially those most affected by injustice and inequity.

How You Can Help

Here’s how we can shape a world we’re proud of—step by step:

The time to act is now. For climate justice. For social justice. For a future that we can be proud of.

You are not alone.

If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women’s Support Services Crisis Line:

Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868 Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867 Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org

The Story of Many

Emma and Noah had been close friends since their first year of university, sharing late-night study sessions and supporting each other through the pressures of student life. Emma cherished this friendship, viewing it as a sanctuary of mutual respect and understanding. However, when Noah confessed his desire for a romantic relationship, Emma was honest in expressing that she did not share those feelings. Noah’s response was accusatory; he claimed she had “led him on” and informed their mutual friends that she had “Friend Zoned” him, leaving Emma to grapple with guilt for simply asserting her boundaries.

This experience is alarmingly common, particularly for young women and girls navigating relationships in a society where traditional gender roles often dictate interactions. The “Friend Zone” myth distorts the dynamics of friendship, transforming what should be a space of support and trust into a landscape of manipulation and unfulfilled expectations. This notion implies that kindness and respect should automatically translate into romantic interest, reinforcing the harmful idea that women owe men romantic engagement in exchange for their support.

The “Friend Zone” Does Not Exist

The “friend zone” – a term often seen in movies, TV shows, and dating conversations – suggests a space where one person is “stuck” after expressing romantic feelings that aren’t reciprocated.

But here’s the truth: the friend zone doesn’t exist.

It’s natural to feel disappointed or hurt when someone you care about doesn’t share your romantic feelings. Those emotions are valid. However, framing this as being “stuck” in a zone implies entitlement to someone’s affection or intimacy as a reward for being kind or supportive.

Affection isn’t a transaction. No one owes anyone romantic or sexual interest, no matter how much time or effort has been invested in a friendship.

If someone doesn’t share your feelings, the healthiest response is to respect their decision. Trying to “win” someone over by pretending to be a friend while hoping they’ll change their mind isn’t fair—to them or to you.

True friendship is built on respect. That means honouring their boundaries and accepting their feelings, even if they aren’t what you hoped for.

It’s okay to take some time and space to process your emotions. You might say something like: “I understand you don’t feel the same way, but I need a little time to focus on myself right now.”

Use that space to reconnect with hobbies, spend time with other friends, or explore new activities. With time, you might find yourself ready to embrace the friendship as it is, or you might decide it’s healthier to move on.

Either way, your feelings matter, and so do theirs. Respect, honesty, and self-awareness are the cornerstones of any healthy relationship—romantic or platonic.

At BWSS, we are committed to dismantling these outdated myths and advocating for healthy, equitable relationships founded on mutual respect. We strive to create spaces where honest communication is valued, and individuals feel empowered to cherish friendships for what they truly are—connections devoid of transactional expectations and rooted in respect.

Recognizing that the “Friend Zone” does not exist empowers us to foster a culture that prioritizes consent and personal autonomy, effectively challenging the pervasive ideologies that underlie gender-based violence and inequality.

Here are 5 reasons why the “Friend Zone” does not exist:

Dismantling The “Friend Zone”

Every individual deserves to feel safe and empowered in their choices, particularly women and girls, who often face pressure to conform to traditional relationship roles. By collectively challenging the damaging notion of the “Friend Zone,” we create an environment where healthy connections can flourish, free from the unrealistic expectations that perpetuate guilt and obligation.

Supporting each person’s autonomy is crucial, as everyone has the right to choose their own path without conforming to others’ expectations. This shift in mindset strengthens our relationships and fosters a culture of respect and understanding.

Recognizing that the “Friend Zone” does not exist is a powerful step toward dismantling the harmful structures that perpetuate gender inequality and violence against women and girls, reinforcing the need for a culture that values consent and personal autonomy.

As an organization dedicated to ending violence in all its forms, BWSS stands in solidarity with victims and survivors. For resources on safety, accessing support, and taking action against gender-based violence, visit our website.

You are not alone.

If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women’s Support Services Crisis Line:

Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868
Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867
Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org

Leaving an abusive partner can be one of the hardest things a person does. Afterward, it’s common to experience a range of emotions, including depression, guilt, anger, loss, and sadness. 

Remember: There is no right way to feel or heal after you leave an abusive partner.

It may be hard to stop thinking about your old relationship. It’s completely normal to feel this way, and often it can feel like leaving the relationship was the wrong decision. In relationships where your partner is abusive, it is common for partners to spend the majority of their time together. Also, people who are abusive have likely made you feel that you are not worthy of having friends or dating anyone else. When the relationship ends it can be easy to feel like there is no one else who cares about you. 

It’s likely that your abusive partner made you feel guilty about breaking up and made threats to keep you fearful of ending the relationship. So a lot of the negative feelings you have after a break up are the result of the abuse that happened in the relationship. The important thing to know is that it’s OK to feel that way: your abusive partner made you feel that way. 

Building a Strong Support Network 

Holding in all the strong emotions you feel after a break up and carrying them alone can be a overwhelming task. This is why it is important to build a solid support network to turn to in times when the break up is hard to handle.  

A support network can include any person(s) you feel comfortable and trust talking to, like family, friends, and Battered Women’s Support Services. 

Counselling can be a good option to help healing after you leave an abusive partner because it provides you with the opportunity to talk about how you’re feeling after the break up. If you are not comfortable with counselling, talking to someone who is a good listener (who will not tell you how to feel or what to do) can be just as helpful as counselling.  

It can be hard to open up to people at first, starting a journal can be a huge help as well. Not only will you be able to get your emotions out on paper, you will have a record of how you’re feeling on a regular basis.

Spend Time Doing What You Want 

Often the choice of how to spend time is controlled by an abusive partner. After the relationship ends, it can be incredibly liberating to know that you can go back to spending time how you wish to.

The best part is that you can do what you love most. Whether that means spending time with family and friends, playing a sport, learning an instrument, going to the mall, or volunteering, pursuing things that give you joy are helpful to get past a break up. It may feel uncomfortable at first to hang out with others and try new things, but it will get easier.

Moving Toward Healing and Hope  

A break up can be overwhelming but just know that you have already taken a difficult step to leave an abusive relationship. As time goes on, feelings of sadness will lessen. Know that’s it not your fault for feeling this way, that it is OK to have these feelings, build a strong support network, and pursue your interests, these negative feelings will start to fade. 

Here Are More Resources to Support You:

If you ever need support, BWSS is here for you. 

As an organization dedicated to ending violence in all its forms, BWSS stands in solidarity with victims and survivors. For resources on safety, accessing support, and taking action against gender-based violence, visit our website.

You are not alone.

If you or someone you love is in need of support, please contact the Battered Women’s Support Services Crisis Line:

Call toll-free: 1-855-687-1868
Metro Vancouver: 604-687-1867
Email: EndingViolence@bwss.org